The Masochist

Damn. He was calling again. It had been three months since she had last heard from him on a consistent basis. Now he was blowing up her cell phone like they were a couple. Every message was the same—him sounding way too cool, considering the amount of phone calls. It was never urgent, he was just calling to say hi and see how she was doing. But she could hear it—the eagerness, the longing, and the insecurity that always called out to her. She was the only one who could soothe him in moments like this.

Veronica was at a loss. She had told herself she would take no more after the last go round with Nigel. She had done all she could to get him to see her; and yet, she watched him acknowledge and appreciate every other woman in his midst. When she dropped that excess 45 pounds, he started bringing her around his friends, but he never introduced her as anything else but Veronica. She could hear him saying this is Veronica, never, my girlfriend, my lady, my woman. Just simply Veronica. He would move whenever she tried to sit close to him, or embrace him in public. He acted as if he were embarrassed.

But now he was calling again and Veronica longed to reach out for him. She hated the pleasure she felt from just being around him. It was sadistic, and in truth, she wanted so much more for herself. But Nigel was smart, funny, and fine. The only man to give her multiple orgasms until it hurt. He had an extremely bright future ahead of him, working as an entertainment lawyer for one of the biggest firms in the country. He wasn’t even 30 yet and he was making big money. Veronica wanted Nigel all to herself.

She silently cursed herself as she flipped open her cell phone to call him back… ************************************************************************
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How are you?”
“I’m fine. And you?”
“I’m doing great for the most part. Lost a client today. Gabriella of all people.”
“What? Why? She was one of your first clients—and your friend.”
“I know, I know, but lately she’s been a real pain. Her last project didn’t meet her expectations, and I feel like she is taking it out on me. I don’t know--I can’t explain it.”
“Nigel, you aren’t making much sense.”
“We got into an argument and she went completely off on me. She was totally inappropriate.”
“What do you mean?”
“She had that “mama” tone in her voice, telling me where I went wrong and what I should have done to protect her best interests. That’s what I’ve been doing these last 5 years! She turned diva on me and I just know I don’t want to be put in that situation with her again.”
“So you ended your business relationship?”
“And our friendship ultimately. She thinks I’m an asshole now. I honestly don’t care though. I feel a lot freer.”
“It sounds like you do care. But it’s whatever…”
“Let’s not talk about her anymore. It’s not helping. What’s up with you?”
“Nothing. Working and writing. Aside from Gabriella, what’s happening with you?”
“A lot actually. I’m on a serious hunt for a condo. I must move by the end of the year. I have an appointment to go see one in about an hour. You wanna come with? I’d love your opinion about it.”
Veronica sighed. It was the same routine. “Sure.”
“Ok, I’ll be there in about 30 minutes.”
“I’ll be ready.”
“Thanks Veronica.” ************************************************************************
So that’s why he was calling. Gabriella. The woman Veronica knew he really loved. The woman Nigel might have had a chance with had he not been so afraid to tell her how he felt. If only Nigel himself knew for a fact what it was he was feeling. There was only one problem with Gabriella. She was married.

From the first time Veronica heard her name, she knew Nigel had it bad for her. Talented and beautiful, Gabriella was the lead singer for the band Home Grown Soul. When Veronica first heard her music, she too, fell just a little under Gabriella’s spell. She was beautiful and talented, but unpretentious. She had a smile that lit up a room, and a joyful personality. Nigel always mentioned her, how bright she was, her opinions on things, just anything. He spent so much time with her, Veronica didn’t see how Gabriella had time for her husband. Nigel never said much about her husband, except to say he didn’t think he was that smart. Whatever the case, Gabriella loved him, and had no intention of leaving him, that was clear. That was the point that seemed to itch Nigel’s ass the most. How could Gabriella deal with such mediocrity in his presence?

But Gabriella hadn’t been married when she and Nigel first met. She was dating her soon-to-be-husband, but marriage wouldn’t take place for another 7 years. She and Nigel had both been young and at the beginning of their careers when they first met. As always, Nigel didn’t think much of her at first—he had a tendency to underestimate people, women especially, but in spite of it all they became good friends. Gabriella had seen to that. She found a place in her life for Nigel and made a place in his for herself. By then, he wasn’t sure what he felt. All he knew is that when he was around her, he wanted all of her attention. If he didn’t have it, he would have to leave. It was all or nothing.

On a few occasions he had tried to mark his territory: little touches here and there, random comments, unexpected gifts, eventually becoming her personal and business lawyer. He even got drunk one night and flashed her—but all of it was in fun to Gabriella. She loved Nigel dearly, but something about his personality put her off. He liked to throw temper tantrums a lot, call folks out on their shit, but he had the hardest time taking it. From that she discerned how insecure he was. Nigel had some growing up to do and she knew she couldn’t coddle him in the way he seemed to need.

Unbeknownst to Veronica, Nigel had shared intimate information about his feelings for Veronica with Gabriella. Gabriella knew that Nigel did indeed love Veronica, but he wasn’t in love with her. She behaved in the manner that Gabriella never could: submissive. That alone made Veronica the prototype of a perfect woman to Nigel. But there was only one problem with Veronica. Nigel wasn’t attracted to her.

As Veronica sat and waited for Nigel to arrive, too many thoughts ran through her mind. She knew now he was only calling because he had lost Gabriella, to his own devices undoubtedly. Gabriella didn’t do or say something he wanted or in the way he wanted—and for him that would be the breaking point. Foolish pride, Veronica would say to him, your foolish pride will be the end of you. He had always been regrettably impulsive. And now he was coming back home to Veronica, to what he was familiar with, what he was accustomed to. Where he felt in control because he knew what he felt with her and no matter what, Veronica let him retain the upper hand, something else Gabriella didn’t do.

Veronica sat and thought about it all as she waited for Nigel’s arrival. She had endured so much in her life and this was one situation she wanted to have a happy ending. She lost her entire family to a fatal car crash when she was 3 years old. Her grandpa had raised her to see her enter college, but had passed before Veronica finished. The shock of losing grandpa had extended Veronica’s college time by two years. She didn’t bother to participate in graduation—there was nobody to come and see her walk across the stage anyway. When she finally returned home to Los Angeles, and to the empty house that had once been occupied by grandpa, she sat in the kitchen for hours trying to figure out what move to make next. The first move she did make when she was able to peel herself off of her seat was to call Nigel.

Throughout it all, he had been there, and now that she was back home, she wanted him to make a life with her. She longed for him to move in, but she refused to bring it up, wanting him to come to the decision on his own. What could she do with an entire house all to herself? Until he recognized that he was needed there, Veronica settled for his sleepovers. He would spend the night, making love to her satisfactorily, although clumsily. She surrendered herself to him so, allowing her passion for him to set her nerve endings on fire. She loved the smell of his sweat on her, and nothing turned her on more then to watch him fuck her. He was working hard for her benefit, to make her cum. After sex, she would sleep with her limbs wrapped around his, clinging tightly to him. She never wanted those nights to end. She pretended this was their life.

Nigel never slept comfortably those nights. He despised how clingy she was, physically and emotionally. He solidified a relationship with her because she complained he was using her and he had no intention of really hurting her. But that information was kept between the two of them. It was easy to tell Veronica what to do, both in and out of bed—she was so eager to please. That annoyed Nigel to no end. He recognized the benefits of being with her: the house, the companionship, a sense of security, but she wanted it too bad. He could look in Veronica’s eyes and see the longing behind them. His friendship with Gabriella made for a nice juxtaposition to his “relationship” with Veronica. He was attracted to Gabriella’s spunk, her ability to give it right back to him. She was fearless, to the point of pissing him off, but it turned him on. Many nights with Veronica were spent imagining she was Gabriella, submitting to him, getting fucked with no mercy. He had to bite his tongue to keep from calling out her name.

But Nigel was feeling tortured. There was more to the story than he had shared with Veronica. It wasn’t just Veronica’s attitude of late—but more because it felt to him that Gabriella refused to acknowledge him as anything other than a friend. It had to end with Gabriella. Watching her in the arms of another man, a lesser man in his eyes drove him crazy. He had ended it all with Gabriella because he couldn’t have her. She was beyond his control and dealing with her day after day was beginning to take its toll on him. She had called him out one time to many—and he wanted desperately to fuck her senseless, to shut her up. But he knew he couldn’t, even if given the chance. He felt dominated by her, overpowered, and intimidated. He tried to make her understand why he was pulling back, why he had to let go, but the words were never right. He never said what she wanted to hear. He was at a loss and decided to just let go, but not without sending her one last gift.

He knew their paths would cross again, it was inevitable, and he imagined seeing her in the necklace he had made just for her. She loved diamonds for they were her birthstone, and he thought the necklace he designed was perfect for her. He could see her smile, her star shining, though she did not have a smile on her face when he brought her the gift. It would be the last time either of them would see the other for a long while. He just knew that when she opened the box, it would all become clear. She would understand then why he had to let go, how it had been the best thing for them both. Until then he did what he felt Gabriella had done the day she got married—he settled. He called Veronica relentlessly, waiting for her to call him back. He knew she was pissed and that it would take a bit more time for her to respond this go round. But he needed to recharge. He knew he could find what he needed in her.

It was no matter to Veronica. She was glad to hear about Gabriella’s exit because that was one less obstacle in her way. Whatever fears he had about Gabriella, she would support them, do whatever she could to keep herself at the helm. She, too, knew that his path would cross Gabriella’s again. They were definitely soul mates. But she would do what she had to in the meantime to make that situation less catastrophic for her when it did occur. She was going to have Nigel, and in the way she wanted. She knew he would never find what he wanted entirely in any one woman, but what she allowed him to have was what he needed most: power and security. She allayed his fears in a way only she could. And tonight, she would get him to allay hers—for the time being.

She heard his car horn honk outside. Veronica grabbed her jacket and stopped to say a quick prayer. Please Lord, let this be the time. Let this be the time he finally seeks total solace in me. Let him be so hurt that all he can do is confide in me. Let him find all the support and love he needs right here. Please Lord, let him not walk away from me again. Even if he does, Lord, I’ll understand. And I’ll still be right here, waiting. Lord, I know he is the one. Why else would you have put him in my life? I know you know best. My faith is in you, which is why he keeps coming back. He knows this is where he belongs.

But Lord, please let this be the time.
Let him see me, the real me, for the very first time.
Amen.

Veronica left the house with the biggest smile on her face for Nigel. It was all about him.

She was a woman with a plan.